Advice, Comedy

The LA Diaries: How To Deal With Deportation

Dear Dope AF Readers,

Forgive me for not writing, I blame the Eat Pray Love(diarrhea) journey and A.D.D. I’ll start a post and wind up making a smoothie. Anywhoo, I’m aiming to publish one post a month 🙂 *cringes from fear of commitment*

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What was I saying? Oh, let’s imagine I’m on The Daily Show w/ Trevor Noah.

Trevor: Welcome to the show! When did you get to LA?

Me: Um…I’m not sure. They put some CBD in my coffee…

Trevor: Well, you look GRRR-eat. Not like someone who spilled cup noodles all over their air mattress while apartment hunting on Skid Row. In fact, you remind me of Scarlett Johansson in Ghost in the Shell…as intended. 

Me: What can I say? Dry shampoo does wonders!

Trevor: Where were you before LA?

Me: Singapore! Filming Crazy Rich Asians with Awkwafina, Constance Wu, Michelle Yeoh. We’re a cast of dope queens.

Trevor: An ALL ASIAN cast??? This is unprecedented news. We haven’t seen that since Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.* Is this 2018?

Me: Oh, I don’t see color.

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Trevor: So tell us, what led you to acting?

Me: I did every other job. I traveled beyond my means. Questioned my existence. Made love to intense anxiety. Life long learner, baby!

Trevor: Please be the mother of MY babies…

Me: If you’re looking for a sugar mommy…TOTES JK! I’m broke.

Trevor: On that note, I hear Singapore’s a strict country. They’ll throw you in jail for chewing gum. How did someone like you survive?

Me: Don’t EVEN get me started…

Trevor: Fascinating. I gotta ask: What do you hope to achieve in LA?

Me: I would like to avoid getting stabbed, raped or killed. 

Trevor: AMEEERRRRICA! F*CK YAH!!!

Me: Just the other day I saw a DEA agent pulled a semiautomatic on 2 guys across the street. Where’s my release form, eh?  

Trevor: So what’s your job here, really?

Me: Entertainers have a responsibility to brighten lives and start tough conversations. We HATE being role models…but maybe that’s what people need.

Trevor: So you’re not here to get rich and famous?

Me: SHOW ME THE MONEY! I’m talkin’ bout that FRIENDS money! Tyler Perry island money! Like Oprah always says…I’M RICH B*TCH! 

Trevor: Thatta girl! I love your honesty. Anything else? 

Me: I want my vagina to light up the darkness. Power to da pussy! Can I say that on air? (producer shakes head vigorously) Shout out to Ali Wong, Amy Schumer, Tiffany Haddish, Mindy Kaling! 

Trevor: (Leans in and whispers) By the way, um…you have lipstick on your teeth.aligif.gif

CUT! So maybe my LA plans were moved up a biiiiit early. Maybe I entered Singapore too many times on a tourist visa, or maybe it was just bad luck.  Deportation can happen to anybody. I’m so LUCKY to have support financially and emotionally. Remember: happiness is a practice that starts from within. SO IS THE HUSTLE.

All my love,

cecechic

P.S. Help a sistah get a job by supporting diverse shows, movies, TV 🙂 When the demand for diversity increases, so will roles ❤

P.S.S. Humor is my antidote. Love+peace to Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, and anyone who’s struggling. 

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